Confessions of a First Time Mom

This post was written when Kellen was 6 weeks old, and for some reason I never published it. Perhaps it was all still too fresh, maybe I felt too embarrassed after writing it, who knows. But when I found it today and re-read it, I found myself chuckling at the Julie that was writing this with such little baby experience. I love this post, and hope you do too. Sorry about any swearing.

I know that this blog is about Kellen. But over the past 6 weeks I have found myself thinking about all of these new lessons and experiences that keep popping up now that I have a son. Along with these collective gems of wisdom, I have found that I have some small secrets about how I am conducting myself as a parent, and for some reason I feel the need to confess them on this here blog (after all, isn't sharing your secrets with everyone what the internet is about?). Some were harder than others to write, and some came from a deeper place, but all are weighing on me equally. I need to spill the proverbial beans.

Confession #1: I am not an ambi-burper.

I can't burp Kellen on my right shoulder. Can't do it. He slides right off the side and I clammer not to drop him. Spit up ends up on his face, the floor, my arm, the wall across the room. I feel like this is something I should work on - Gasp! What kind of a mother am I?! - but honestly, whenever I raise the burp cloth I hover ever so slightly above the right shoulder, only to chicken out and just put the damn thing on my left side. Can't do it.

Confession #2: If you smell pee, it's probably my child.

If I peed my pants, and some of it got on my clothes, I would definitely change. I mean, ewwwww, right? And yet somehow this idea doesn't seem to apply when it comes to my kid. If it's 3 in the afternoon, I have already changed four thousand diapers, and upon changing the four thousand and first diaper I notice one side of his onesie is all wet, well, he just has to deal with it. Gross, I know, but I would put money on the fact that I am not the only parent out there to pretend their kid didn't just relieve themselves...on themselves...

...right?

Confession #3: Sometimes when I really want Kellen to sleep, I pull his hat over his eyes and hope he thinks it's nighttime.

No, this has never worked for me. But I am not a quitter.

Confession #4: I hated being pregnant.

I said these confessions were about things I have done in the past 6 weeks, but the reality is it is only in the past 6 weeks that I have been able to admit this to myself. Because of the pregnancies I lost in the past, I pushed any thoughts of "Wow, this sucks" out of my mind while pregnant, afraid that my body would betray me and say "Fine, screw you, you don't get to keep this baby after all". Once Kellen came though, I was able to really reflect on the prior 9 months and accept the fact that I was miserable. It seems that all women "just loooooved being pregnant!!!" (at least this is what they told me while accosting me in the grocery store line with asinine questions and stories of their own pregnancy). Not once did someone say to me "Congratulations! But it's the shits, isn't it?"  And I suppose I can understand this - who likes a Debbie Downer? Of course I was ecstatic to have my future son growing inside of me, I honestly was. But it was so damn uncomfortable, painful, and exhausting, and it seemed like every time I went to the doctor there was some new issue I was dealing with, something that I had never heard of another woman having (hernia, anyone?). 

I know that it could have been much worse, and I am so thankful that Kellen came into our lives healthy and full-term. I also know that I did have some fun with my little bump (while it was still little), and that I loved patting it and pushing his tiny butt around and waking him up just to feel his angry little kick. Please don't take this confession as ingratitude, and I really hope anyone reading who has yet to get pregnant won't be upset or deterred. Pregnancy is a truly wonderful thing, and it is so different for every woman that my experience can be easily dismissed when trying to figure out what it may be like for you. I just needed to get it off my chest, because now that he's here I can finally say it:

Those 9 months? MISERABLE.

Confession #5: Sometimes I blame my farts on Kellen.
This is why people have children, right?

Confession #6: I don't always wash my hands after changing a diaper.
Really, who has the time?! I remember watching a stupid game show with Matt pre-baby, and somehow a statistic was brought up that something like 80% of people don't wash their hands after a diaper change. Of course we decided those 80% were disgusting slobs, and I want to apologize to all those parents for passing judgement so hastily. I too am a disgusting slob. And apparently I don't give a damn who knows it.

Confession #7: I am falling in love again.
And no, I am not going to say with Kellen, although it is completely true that I am totally in love with my son (aaawwwww!). But he's not who I am talking about. Over the past weeks, I have found myself falling in love with Matt all over again (AAWWWWW!). If you've watched the videos I posted last week, you can see that he is an amazing dad. And who doesn't love a handsome man with an adorable baby? Matt has had to return to work and yet is still an involved, loving father who somehow also manages to be the best husband and friend I could ask for.

AAAAAAAAWWWWW!

Join me in my shame!
I invite and encourage all you parents out there to share your confessions below. Let me know I'm not alone, and that there are others who take shortcuts and do gross things in the name of parenthood. You know you've been dying inside, keeping those confessions locked up! Time to release the demons.