Four Months

My dear son,

You were sick last week Kellen, sick for the first time in your little life.  You woke up with a cold on Monday, by Thursday we had taken you to the doctor twice, and by Friday you had been sent to the ER. You were struggling so hard to breathe. Your whole body was working in and out in order to get air. I didn't freak out the first 3 days - I was very proud of this fact - but by Wednesday night I couldn't take it any more.  My baby, the most important little man in my life, was hurting and nothing I was doing was helping.  I didn't know my heart could hurt so much.  On Thursday night your dad and I blew up the air mattress and slept in your room, right next to your crib. We were all up all night, you not being able to breathe when on your back and me not being able to sleep while listening to you struggle.  Friday at lunch we took you to Children's, they suctioned out your little lungs, and all of a sudden you could breathe again.  You immediately nursed and fell into the deepest sleep you had in almost a week. I cried out of pure relief.

You've been improving since then, although you have stopped sleeping through the night (NOOOOOOO!!!!!).  We had gotten use to it after almost a month of 9pm-7am sleep and now it's back to every 2-3 hour wakings. I keep reminding myself that this won't last forever, that you will eventually sleep through the night again, that you won't go to college waking up every night until your roomate finally says DUDE, YOUR MOM ISN'T HERE, SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP ALREADY. Real sleep will come again for all in this household. How about tonight? Please?

 

Before I got pregnant, I thought I wouldn't like all the baby stuff - and there is so much STUFF, it's like you popped out of the uterus with two suitcases full of brightly colored plastic - hanging around my house. And that's just it. I thought of it as my house. I guess I didn't understand how quickly your presence would be made known around here. I can't look across a room or turn a corner without seeing BRIGHT! BAAAABY! And I love it. It is a constant reminder of the fun just waiting to be had with you, reading your giraffe book or cheering you on as you try to roll onto your stomach on your play mat.



At your 4 month visit yesterday you proved what a good natured baby you are. It started with me having to wake you up from a nap in your carseat (Whaa? It's time to be awake now? Huh. Ok. Can I at least smile at you? Wait, wait, I can smile bigger!) and ended with you getting two shots in your left thigh (Ooh, what's that nice lady holding? Looks like funWHAT THE #@$%?!  SERIOUSLY?!  YOU GUYS ARE SUCH JER- ooh, thanks for picking me up, Mama! Can I smile at the nice lady?).

We sat you in your high chair the other day with some toys on the tray, and you BANG BANGed away, a toy in each hand, thoroughly enjoying yourself. I cried and took pictures. Weren't you just yesterday a little tiny being that couldn't even hold your head up?  This is going to be tough for me if I cry at every little milestone, and you will NEVER want to go anywhere with me (Oh Kelly-Belly, your first time talking with a cute girl! WAAAAH!)

You know what though? Don't pay a bit of attention to me. Keep growing and developing into the little man you are meant to be. I will try to stand back and let you figure it out without me sobbing over your shoulder. Because I can't wait to see what sort of things you discover and enjoy.

I love you. So much I am afraid I will burst open.

Love,
Mama

So much I'm afraid I will burst.